the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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