I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize