remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
