Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
