Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She bit a glass in half.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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