I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
