By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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