There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
