I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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