Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
