I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
