I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
too bad you live with your parents still
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
