Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
