"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
