No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
