had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
