Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
