just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can you bring me the toilet please
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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