My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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