My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
