When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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