you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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