just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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