this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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