how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
