I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
