The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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