I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
