Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
