If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
