Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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