I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
