i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
