Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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