You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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