the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
