The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
