I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
