Only a mothe r could love this liver
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
