Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize