Come see our sink grown plant.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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