If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Randomize
