I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
