We won't sleep together?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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