Cold hands, warm shart.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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