Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
