Soap is not a condiment
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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