I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
