Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
