After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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