Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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