i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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