I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
