The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
