And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
