I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
