so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
