just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
