my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
