i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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