god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
