How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Holy sore nipples Batman
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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