Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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