Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize