you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My first STD was from a foam party
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
