The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize